Diary transcript of Reginald Harriman Heywood, 1918-1919 - Part 9

.19  Hurray to you Optimely, elsewhere referred to in these 
pages, is responsible this week for the following- "Prince 
Eitel Fritz has been telling the Germans that his father, the 
ex-Kaiser is 'legally' dead'". We must get rid of that adjective

without delay. Some grammarian, but then he's only a

member of the British Parliament. Perhaps I'd better explain

that the person referred to is Horatio Bottomley, M.P.,

Editor of the famous weekly "John Bull" This valuable rag

enjoyed a great reputation among the "Alfs" but personally I

have never decided whether it was intended as a humoresque or

a journal of weight. Certainly it was always of interest. The

Editor's unique and colossal conceit could hardly render it

otherwise. 

I also notice in one of the dailies where the Mayor of

Somewhere on the Mud in England wishes the German souvenir guns      

to be removed from his esteemed mayoralty so that they may be

forgotten. I expect Mr Gawd Mayor is just one of those who

will forget those guns and I would respectfully commend them

and other more expensive reminders to his Lordship for the    

rest of his natural, which perhaps we may venture to hope,

will not be long. It is safe to add that tose who sat in

front of them for 4½ years here won't forget those guns.   

You will observe that I have been sitting up and noticing 

things to-day, but will crave your indulgence on account of

this being one of the days when there is less than nothing to

do and t is mis-conceived idea of the last village on earth

is so conducive of repartee. I used to think there were one

horse towns "down under" but after this, forget them.
.19  Little Doc and I rode over to the place with the explosive 

name to view the local mudscape before proceeding thither-

always a wise proceeding when one is ordered by a person from

a comfortable office with the assistance of a pencil and an

ordnance survey map and invariably practised by those who

consider themselves not altogether lacking in strategy and

resource. We noticed that all the roads seemed to lead

out of the place-always a bad sign and finally, though we

arrived at a walk, we departed at a gallop.

I thought Coreane was pretty near but that place is quite

and I hesitate to dwell on its engaging charm. On returning

I penned a hasty though pointed note to H.Q. and will probably

be executed with the milk in the morning or on Tuesday at

latest.

I know now that being in the army isn't the game its

cracked up to be. I work very nearly as hard as a civilian

and for not much better pay. The worst of it is that I don't

quite know where I stand- a sort of militarist Poo Bah. By

turn I'm an auctioneer's yardman, cashier or other perquisite

including his honoured guest, a horse master, mule tamer and

a large part of two boards, assistant deputy shipping agent, 

and honorary veterinaire to the province, advisor, adviser,

advisee, guide philosopher and friend besides being a veterinary

officer at odd times, O.C. of the section and sometimes

butcher. That's not all but I mention these in passing.

3.19  Had quite a joy ride a'cheval to-day and called on the 

Delaire family at Foy-Falaen. In spite of its name it is a very

pretty spot and the only place in Belgium that I've seen that

isn't muddy. It's right on the top of an extraordinary hill and

I think all the mud must slide off into the valley below. The

Delaires are very "naice" people and though they didn't kill the 

fatted calf there was a mangy sheep there wearing a very worried

aspect. I've been asked to dine later in the week so perhaps

he's been warned for duty. Madam Delaire must be one of the 

very "naicest" and honest I never shook hands with so much

jewellery all at once before. I could hardly let her hand go

and felt quite opulent. Henriette, who I may or may not have

explained was a guest here for a couple of weeks, treated me to an

afternoon's music and finally dashed off for me a copy of "Madeloff

I wish you could have heard the poilus sing Madelon- the song which

was mentioned in French orders of the day. At present it seems

easily first with the Froggies, while the Marseilleise also ran.

The first edition of Madelon I saw was publiched by l'imprimerie

Autiboche, Paris, and the only time I disliked it at all was when

a drunken French railway guard sand it to me for 10 hours at a

stretch on a train somewhere. I think it was on the way from

Saleux to Epeby after the armistice. A ride home of 10 miles in

a gentle and penetrating rain woulnd up the proceedings. 

3.19.  Evidently Head Quarters were in one of the humorous moods

and decided that I shouldn't die with the early worm. Anyhow

Jimmie came out this morning and together we had a look for a

more likely looking spot for the section to quietly end its long,

and I may say, useful career in.

We met with a measure of success in the shape of a farm in great

disuse near Gerpinnes whither H.Q. are proceeding about the end 

of the week.

It was rather a nice day for a change and as we got lost we

had quite an enjoyable little trip returning to Manureville

about 3.30 p.m.

3.19  Was going over to Foy Falaen to polish off that fatted animal

but the weather is hardly propitious so have held it over. That

reminds me that I have mastered the art of airy persiflage in

French. It is really quite simple. All one needs is to forget 

all he was ever taught, a pair of eyebrows capable of being

waved about, eyes to match, and a certain elasticity and expressiveness 

of movement. Thus equipped and with a sprinkling of

mon dieu mon dieus and a very rapid rate of delivery everything

is plain sailing.

I miss Darkey sadly- his successor is an enterprising and well

meaning youth but laks Darkey's 3 years odd training.

3.19  What ho and alas, likewise alack Mr Wilson's speech at Boston a

and it is alleged till the remark becomes boresome that a prophet

is not honored in his own country. That romantic fraud maintains

that the entry of American troops breathed a new spirit of lofty

ideal into the war which hitherto had been a very sordid affair.

Perhaps though, on second thoughts, we'll have to concede his claim

to moral assistance. No one ever doubted the gameness of the

Yanks but the painful fact remains that they didn't know enough to

fight their way out of a paper bag. However, no one can accuse

Mr Wilson of being a bad stage manager and his appearance in Boston

clad in a white halo and righteous pride was apparently the right

thing to strike the press. Apparently it did strike the press

and the press is the right thing to strike from now on till the

presidential elections.

Still we all have our faults- even the very best of us.

There is a man in this village who has trifled with the affections

of two of the fairer sex, he couldn't even be content with one and

the only thing that can be said about it is that some have love

affairs thrust upon them. Nevertheless his offence is none the

less. I know what I am talking about, I'm the man. One of my

admirers is Augusta, age four and theother is Marie, age four

and seventy. Why, of why is it I'm such a success with the has

been and the not yets, and those that have reached the years of

discretion never even look at me. That's a horrible question

for a man to have to ask himself isn't is. As was usual it was

Darkey who opened my eyes and the only thing I could think of was

to wire Walshams for a special supply of photographs.

Wasn't Boston theplace where the Yanks through ^∧threw the tea into

the harbor? or is it that they've lost the gentle art of knowing

how to deal with unpleasant substances. 

3.19.  Spring is coming, Tally Ho. I don't know what that means, but

Tally Ho. The grass and thehedges are all springing and today was

quite balmy. Even the lambs are putting in an appearance. I

don't know where they come from as we never see the ewes, but 

there was no mistaking the seven of them in our kitchen in an

active stage of being hand reared by Renilde.

To-day was another of these waiting days and waiting in the 

sun suits me down to the ground a whole lot. Jimmie upset things

a bit by rushing in this evening and instructing me to send away

10 of my horses on a draft for Blighty tomorrow. We'e to carry

on with mules- what sort of a ragtime show will we be then? Old

Biddy is going but I'm to have Brownie yet a little while.
3.19  Despatched for Blighty in charge of Sgt. Tom Holding (temporaril     

attached) and via Dieppe the following horses. Biddy, Sybil,

Ginger, Bess, Nurse Brown, Nugget, and Captain (Jimmy O'Brien's

pair) Gunner and Digger (the bears) and one stray.  Hope the Woodbines

will look after them as well as they were always cared for

here. 
Perambulated in the afternoon over to Foy Falaen and had a very

enjoyable time not returning till the small hours. Wonderful

cooks these Belgs. Madam had only a handful of beans, some 

things that looked like thistle tops and a piece of elderly

meat which she waived round the various utensils before returning

it to the strong room for future occasions, but the result would

seem to indicate that as a cuisiniere she is in the blue ribbon

class.

19  His Hunship Von Ludendorff has concocted a literary effort

which t^∧hough it takes the form of a glorified "I told you so" makes

interesting reading. He says that after his defeat on 8th August

he advised the managing directors of Gott and Me Ltd that their

can wouldn't hold water, that their army had a black eye, a contused

ear and hole in its pocket and a sinking feeling in the pit

of the stomach, that their hopes were nil, their talk wind and

their chances all in. That was very much what Ge. Monash told

us on the night of 7th August might be expected as the result of

the operation to commence on the following day, when the two

Colonial corps were to hop off together, supported by two of the

best English Divisions on our left. Admirers of that sadly over-rated

person T.Atkins will maintain that any nine divisions could

have done likewise supported by tanks and guns and planes as we

were. All the same it was the Colonials ( all together for the

first time) who were chosen and there is no getting away

from the fact that what holding up there was occurred on the left

flank. Didn't the 4th Brigade cross the Somme, set their own left

flank going again and then come back and carry on. From 8th August

till the end of September the advance went on with the Billjims

in the van. Then the Aust. corps came out after badly bending the

Hindenbery line- and just beyond- to all intents and purposes

where we left off the Armistice was signed. Further north when the

3rd Army butted in it was the New Zealanders who formed the spear

head and later further north still the Canadians again took up

the running fighting right into Mons at the Armistice. What

advance there was on our front after our infantry pulled out was

accomplished by Yanks and Tommies supported by our artillery. The

4th Division Artillery boxing on right up till the final barrage

on 4th November and in fact the 37th Bty. fired some shots on

5th November. The Canadian infantry went right through from 8th

August till 11th November but they sat tight on Vimy or were in

back areas training specially all the time that we were nagging

at Fritz for the high hopping off ground from Albert to Villers

Bret, Morlancourt, Dernancourt, Hamel, Vaire Wood and the Villers

Bret plateau.

I could say quite a lot about this especially to anyone who

has read between the lines of Sir Douglas Haig's despatch- but

don' twant you to think I despise all Tommies. It isn't the Tommy

that is at fault it's a rotten system.
Packing up again today. I wonder howmany times that is, but

I've got a feeling it's the last time but one. 
.3.19  Marched out from Corenne in very damp condition as mingled with

the rain was such a wealth of tears as is seldom seen. Altogether

it was a depressing occasion. Madam explained amidst a series of

heartrending sobs and in the broken French that they have adopted

for our benefit how formerly she was tres triste when the Boch

arrivent and now tres tris triste when the soldats partent.

With the aid of four mules from the D.A.C. and "Charlie Chaplin"

and his famous blind team from the 14th A.S.C. we arrived at our

destination alright about 3 p.m. and later under cover of darkness

the boys visited the adjacent R.A.F. Squadron at Les Flaches returning

with pretty nearly everything that was movable except 

their cinema plant, so we are dug in pretty comfortably. I occupy 
a room in an adjacent farm and while I've been in some queer places 
I think this just about wins. Among other advantages they have 
the well in the kitchen, the fowls roost in the attic and the 
entrance to the stables (used all winter for housing the cows) is 
through the drawing room. Of course the cows don't enter via the 
drawing room but their kinelike odour does. This isn't altogether 
an advantage but the benefits connected with this ultra-concentration 
certainly must be considered.

3.19. Took a little promenade into Gerpinnes only two kilos away 
but found Jimmie and Major McKenna are still over at Dinant selling 
horses and haven't set up in business yet. However, there were 
several little matters to fix up the apres midi Mac who had been 
shipping horses from Charleroi called on me in my new home.

The novelty of the farm arrangements at my place is matched 
only by its occupants who stand out right on their own. Monsieur 
who must date back nearly to the original Hun invasion is about 
the thinnest and most dried up little thing I've ever seen. He 
resembles nothing so much as a piece of well worn parchment 
draped over a framework of some kind with a bunch of tousled 
pampas grass at the top and a piar of those ambiguous blue eyes 
like you see on china dogs on the mantelpiece set above a lower 
continuation of the pampas grass effect. He's got some place to 
store his food I s'pose but it can't be much of a place and his 
pulmonary apparatus is absolutely unique. He makes me feel 
quite homesick to hear him wheezing away like one of those old 
wornout concertinas we used to enjoy so much in the bush. I 
would have plumped him for hydatids if I hadn't known he absolutely 
hasn't got room for a hydatid. Madam wheezes somewhat the same 
and I have grounds to suspect the hydatid theory of being correct 
in her case as she carries enough weight to shelter anything from 
an hydatid up to a small hippopotamus- one thing certain, she 
accomodates a big kind heart. Unfortunately she boasts of only 
two teeth and they don't possess the advantage of being set opposite 
one another. As she speaks a kind of dialect generally at such 
times as she has a mouthful of stringy turnip or some similar 
delicacy she's rather hard to understand. No account of this 
unique family would be complete without mention of Madamoiselle 
Bertha who is some 45 years younger than her parents in years 
but right up to them to the knocker in manner. There's Dianna 
the dog and numerous others but I have expressed the hope that this 
will be the last volume.

3.19. Quite a decent stretch of decent weather to-day. So after 
making up my mind to do several things I did nothing but stay home 
and enjoy the weather. As a matter of fact it turned out alright 
as Jimmie came out and fixed up all I intended to do. They've 
got an idea here that the war was a terrible affair. Madam understands 
that some people were killed and Papa declares with an air 
of finality that some houses in Dinant were burnt, besides didn't 
the Boch take his horses "les sales boches"

They assure me that Spring has commenced and from now on the 

weather will be all to the velvet pas trop froid et pas trop chand 
and it isn't too much to say that I hope their meteorological 
sentiments may prove correct, though meteorology is at best an 
uncertain science. Still I reckon I could make a success of it 
here- the old forecast "bad to damn bad" would score a win most 
times.

3.19 My debut as a meteorologist wasn't too bad- seeing as how 
it's rained or snowed all day. I had intended a little expedition 
into Charleroi in search a few odds and ends including some 
drawing material- not that one could xxx ever hope to reproduce 
the old man's fleeting charm which I fear is beyond the reach of 
all human pencils.

Spent the day nursing a rheumaticy back over the fire instead. 
Good job I didn(t go to Charleroi as Mac called in this eve and 
gave me a "job of work" to do there tomorrow.

3.19  Proceeded on Brownie to the terminus of the train and caught 
that excellent vehicle to Charleroi about 20 minutes run. Saw 
a train load of mules off for Forges, the quota made up from 
4th and 5th Divisions. Thought our Div. was a bit ragtime when it 
comes to red tape and paper but after this effort have no hesitations 
in handing over the wreath to the 5th. However, our lot 
was O.K. so I couldn't concern myself with the others. That 
over, I did some shopping, lunched at the E.F.C. Officers Club and 
tacked down to the Cafe Centrale where I indulged in some evolutions 
on a light fantastic toe- the first time for about four years 
and to-night I am painfully aware of same.

3/19 Spent most of the day nursing that ill used toe which to-day 
feels anything but light though perhaps it may be fantastic. In 
other words I sat in Madam's drawing room endeavouring to make 
xxxx some additional perpetrations to my sketch books. The 
atmosphere in said room could hardly be described as suitable to 
artistic inspiration - with the varied and powerful odors coming 
through the stable door on one side and the strains of Mdle Bertha's 
unfortunate and penetrating voice entering through the door 
opposite. Besides, several times I had to set Madam's mind at 
rest on the subject of oranges. She thinks Australia is a land 
of big hats and oranges and whenever the conversation flags at all 
she beats round to the oranges again. I've fixed her up with 
oranges bigger than bush marrows already but she's still thirsting 
for more. I forgot to mention an important member of the 
household in Diana. Diana has a large family of multi-coloured 
pups to attend to in the barn but spends most of her time in the 
kitchen where she wheezes away with Madam and Monsieur. She's 
got the wheezing habit badly in fact and when the three of them 
get going together it's some trio.

.3.19  Generally have a spasm on a Sunday - for one thing the pay 
is generally due on the day of rest. Today I borrowed my/friend, 
M. Joseph's bicycle and cycled into Gerpinnes in search of said 
elusive coin of the realm - safely returned. That about ended my 
exertions for the day, though I did have to go into the question 
of oranges again. No doubt we've got the old man bluffed. He can't 
understand us coming 14.000 miles to fight anybody, and as for 
coming voluntarily, that's more than he can swallow. He reckons 
that if Australia attacked Tasmania he wouldn't rush to the 
Speck's assistance.

M. Joseph mentioned above, is a real good sort, and perhaps the 
only Belg. I have struck possessing a sense of humour.

.3.19 Gadzooks! -  This day twelve months ago - likewise the day before 
and the day after/it - we were on a forced march with shells, 
bombs and all manner of other unpleasantnesses, including the 
wind well up. This year demobilization has reached a point where 
the 1st and 4th Australian Divisions cease to exist, yesterday 
amalgamating and forming "A" group. One thing about last year the 
weather was better. To day's been a speciment of all that weather 
shouldn't be, and there was nothing for it but to r^emain indoors 
and discuss fruit growing in Australia with Madam. She asked me 
to day if we had any sheep over our side of the globe. I always 
start at a low figure so as to be able to expand, and allowed that 
we had some 50 millions. but she knocked me flat by saying we need 
have a pretty big population to grow enough betteraves for that 
many sheep. I think when she beats round to the cattle question 
I'll have to turn Australia vegetarian and let us exist on tinned 
milk.

.3.19  Don't know why I persevere with this book. There is generally 
absolutely nothing to chronicle, but I expect it's become a habit, 
and like most bad habits, hard to discontinue. To day's been a 
real off day, a succession of snow and rain, and if I do stay inside 
volleys of useless questions from Madam. I stayed in bed till the 
latest possible minute, but that didn't help a great deal. I'd like 
to meet the cus that invented the daylight saving business.

.3.19  Another very futile day spent mostly riding round the 
country in search of 8 mules on Col. James' behalf.

Think I'll have to dig out my gas mask. Our gallant allies 
now have an epidemic of emptying the soakage of their stables, 
sties and other household insanitary arrangements. By means of an 
ingenious pump arrangement/they convey the putrid mess into a barrel 
on wheels and drawn generally by two mangey bullocks - s'pose 
other animals have difficulty in withstanding the/odor Having 
accomplished the elevating business they scatter the result 
broadcast over the landscape. Thank gawd I'lll be spared the 
ordeal of refusing their salads. The manure heaps which have  

steadily increased all winter are coming in for their share, and 
he is a wise man who absents himself from their overturning, Always 
unpleasant the atmosphere is now hell.

.3.19  To day's been a partic. grey day - snow, rain and sleet by 
turn. Mr Riley of this section has managed to be sent home by the 
A.P.M. of Etaples under open arrest. Doc has had to report one of 
the N.C.O's for refusing duty, one of the petits garcons they sent 
us with the last issue from the base has gone away with the float 
pair in/a limber and got himself lost and Madam, inter alia, asked me 
if it is far from Paris to France.

To-morrow morning I'm going in to resign again - I do about 
once a week.

3.19  Walked into Gerpinnes in gently falling snow, but on arrival 
found my resignation hardly necessary. Jimmie was in bed, but regained 
sufficient consciousness to inform me that he's had a win 
over Matson and Dowse Lt.Cols. in the matter of the mobile which 
is to be absorbed by the 1st as soon as possible. Wally Carter, ex 
D.A.Q.M.G. was occupying a bed in a room next to Jimmie, and what 
a pair they looked. Since amalgamating with the 1st Div. we have 
got three D.A.D.V.S's and about the same number of of D.A's Q.M.G, 
and I'm afraid the rsult is rather demoralizing.

Returned home and fixed up Mr Riley's case. I was going to inform 
his honour the A.P.M. Etaples that Pte. Riley's methods hadd 
been severely criticised ,but Jimmie decided I must do something 
drastic so I fined him one day's pay. I managed also to settle 
Doc's case out of court, so that is rather satisfactory. The Rainbow 
who was lost turned up intact in the afternoon and things 
altogether look a bit brighter.

.3.19 Still snowing good and hard - some spring, n'est ce pas? However 
the locals had a day out as there was a funeral up in the 
village, one of the two surviving members of a consumptive family. 
The locals are now dwelling on the end of the sole survivor who 
has been laid up for sometime.

.3.19  Was going to remain in bed most of the day, but Mac came and 
disturbed my slumbers about 10a.m. He and a bright sun persuaded 
me to go for a damfool motor ride/to Ham-sur^ Ham sur Heure and Charleroi, 
and as it started snowing again I heartily wished myself back in 
bed. We decided it was too cold to proceed with the motor trip so 
returned for lunch.

In the evening an ultimatum from Jimm^ie caused quite a stir, 
and in one of his more exuberant moments he has apparently demobilised 
the 4th Aust.Mob.Vet.Section? Anyway, the order has it that 
I am to hand over all stores and equipment to D.A.D.O.S to-morrow 
and attach myself and what remains of the men to the 1st Mobile.

.3.19 Got an early start, and after having a lengthy and rather 

satisfactory 

imprest