Michael Billings Collection - Wallet 11 - Part 10 of 24

2/
Seeing the dearth of incoming mail has
left me bereft of topical matter to talk of
let's use one of the precious G.E's as for a
change I feel comparatively fresh mentally
and physically, at least sufficiently so to
tackle such a formidable assignment. I have a good
few letters to write at the office and that
usually leaves me verbally embarrassed
after tea more's the pity because I do
want to infuse a bit of life into my
letters to you knowing from my own
experience what a boon they are. Had my
daily swim and that peps me up a
bit and keeps my portly person within
reasonable limits. Like most chaps I am
not as heavy as I was, the fever skun
me for a couple of stone and I'm still
a long way below my normal twelve
stone. Still its a hot country and
I feel pretty good all things considered.
Of course it's a pretty soft life and one

3/
ought to be O.K. Regular meals, rest and
exercise for the body, a sufficiency of work
for the mind. The main interest of course
is lacking and I would gladly live hard
if it would get me back to my dear ones
quicker. A fellow must be in love with you
because life up forward is plenty tough
and most of those poor weary jokers would
give me the horse laugh for expressing such
sentiments.
Which brings me back to one
of the purposes of this letter. From a
dispassionate standpoint your remarks in a
recent letter about your awakening consciousness
of your own physical desires were very
interesting but I am not viewing them in
that light at all, mine is an absorbing
interest because it is a question that I
have to try and answer often. That's
another thing I owe a lot to Richard for
because while he was so dependent upon

4/
you, the mother in you predominated to the
partial eclipse at least of your lovers
instincts. I could foresee only too clearly that
as you intoned upon the concluding stages
of that phase, the fulfillment of the
pleasures of your married estates would
recommence to play a big part. I know
this much that some nights I've craved
to be with you again to surrender myself
utterly to the only person who can
soothe and satisfy the leaping passion
that burns me like a fire. It's asking far
too much for a fellow so much in love
with you and so dependant and so sure
that such love is requited & more to take
a philosophical view always. I have my
troubled nights I assure you with the
image of your beloved self kind of
mockingly taunting me. I hope all this
is not appalling you but I love you so
much and want you badly for you

5/
are the full and only relief that will banish
the torment of those lonely nights. There's
just nothing to take your place except
my lovely memories of you particularly in
Brisbane. They never fade but like all people
the past doesnt compensate for the present
however joyous it was. Have I ever told you
how marvellous you were then above all
other times, the simple pleasure of sitting
down to meals with you, eating the choice
things you prepared for me, the light
hearted chit chat at the table. The fun
we had buzzing about, sipping grog in the
city, shopping and dashing about trying
to get a snack in that crowded place.
Then our cosy little picnics to Sunnybank
where your excellence as a cobber was so
apparent. Then trudging back to the
little love nest in which we resolutely
cut ourselves off from the noisy world
forgot such trifles as wars and just

6/
just lived for ourselves and by ourselves.
Small wonder, that bright white flame
that has never wavered brought in its
train such a glorious blessing. Everything
about our love there combined to produce
such a fine happy specimen. Perhaps I'm
wishing for the moon but I cherish the
hope that when we are together again
we will recapture some of the threads to
enable us to be such perfect lovers again.
I know we are the same to each other but
could it possible for us to be so gloriously
happy again, it just doesn't seem possible.
Tell me please Kay without any reservation
that it can, just to read the words will
will mean such a lot. I know of course
by elementary biology that both of us
are feeling the nervous strain of sexual
deprivation but the important thing is
is that urge indissolubly linked with the
attraction of our two personalities

7/
To put it crudely. I would be ashamed
and horrified to think my yearning was
just for a woman and not for the
woman, But of if there is anything
sane and clear in this whirlpool it is
our love and I'm sure its you I want
and need so badly. To hark back a little, 
I visualise you like you do me without our
little son on our horizon at all and 
no matter how bad it appears I think I
would resent him if he had taken away
your lovers qualities at all. For him I
would sacrifice much but not that.
You will recall that often I try to glorify
you in your triple role of mother, wife
and sweetheart, not without justification
either. My attitude though is not so
unselfish though, your excellence in all
three dimensions I want for my self
such a lot. Sometimes when you
paint me as such a tower of strength

8/
and so on you flatter me. Of course I
want to be a bulwark when you have need
of me but feel hardly worthy of your
esteem. Often I'm like a lonely boy
and your maternal comfort something so
desirable for me to seek. It's an awful
thing to be away from a person who
can and wants to do and be every thing
to you. You can see from this that I
have labored the first person singular but
it is not entirely done selfishly but with
 a view to invoking from you your true
feelings on the same score. From your
letters I can tell that you look forward
to my homecoming and all it means
by the pains you are taking to preserve
your youth.  Though we have passed our
thirtieth year we are young in heart
and I echo your wish that we be sweethearts
again for I match your motherhood period
with my island sentence of solitude.

9/
I too fervently hope that a further
addition to our ranks will not be the
aftermath to and return to the days of
heady wooing. The last thing I want is
for I you to have to repeat that experience
until I am home for good and we are
established in our own place. I love you
too much to want you to go through that
again unless you have full support as 
it were. It would be asking for
something superhuman for us to love
with reserve but will just have to take
precautions as may be available and
be as careful as we can. I never thought
you know that such a superb mother
would call it a day after performing so
well in the first act but you need
every assistance at times like that. I'm
not trying to be smug, but future
occurrences if any should not prove so
painful or exhausting as the first.

10/
You know far better than I why that
should be so. I reckon it's mighty fine
of you to face up to the possibility all the
same but I think we both want our
lovemaking next time to be something just for
ourselves without aftermath just say for
this once. It's really piquant, for in
Brisbane we were so eager to choose the
right occasions to consummate our love
and here we will be eager to try and
achieve the opposite effect. Life sure is a
problem, Puss.
I have a notion ten pages will
just about cut out the statutory limit so
had better close down on it now. So
goodnight, my own sweet Kay, I won't
tell you again how much I love you for
after wading through these pages you should
arrive at that conclusion. (I do though).
Kiss the chubby cherub for me.
Cheerio.  Dad 

A.F.W. 3078 [Crown Cop
(Adapted.)

ACTIVE SERVICE
AIR MAIL 18.11.43. 

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MICHAEL BILLINGS 

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18.11 43

Address:--
Mrs. M. Billings
548 Barkers Road
East Hawthorn 
Victoria